Understanding
by Ponderess
Summary: She takes that ugly being of you and reflects it as something remarkably beautiful – because you understand, because she understands and understanding is the most dazzling thing in the world.


_**Notes:**__ I'm in love with this ship and I'm not even sorry. Second person narrative might've made this really weird. Then again there might be no way for this to not be weird. (Working on this and other stuff instead of "An Unbearable Sight" because I'm currently at odds with my plotting for that story.)_

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**Understanding**

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_The truth is something you don't speak and it's something you never ever ask for. _

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Words were never your forte. Your speech winds around the simplicity of facts and clear thoughts, no hidden meanings. If something needs to be said you lay it on the table, if you don't want something to be known you don't open your mouth. There's no room for emotion in your voice, you don't talk about feelings – they are far too complex and abstract to fit into the defined structures of language. Showing who you are behind your impassive mask is a hard task – because stone is not easily moved and what has been broken down can't just simply be fixed.

But she doesn't want any of that. Like you she has no time for expressing herself in words. Like you she considers it to be trivial. Neither of you would benefit from a verbal exchange – not of that deep, supposedly meaningful kind anyway. All you'd gain would be ties binding you together, making things too complicated. It would only become a mess.

You both have come to terms: The truth is something you don't speak and it's something you never ever ask for.

What the two of you share is a secret in itself. No one needs to know, no one _can_ know. It's not a mere matter of nobody's business, it's what this society would point at and call morally reprehensible – it's an outrage.

It would condemn you, this hypocritical society that you scoff at making her laugh in blatant amusement. You revel in the light sound of her voice only momentarily before you kiss her lips to drown it out, so no one else can get a chance of hearing it.

The beginning was harmless. You paid the Military Police a visit over some formalities and ended up strolling the grounds with Commander Nile Dawk. You don't like the man and you have no doubt that simply your existence displeases him, but military protocol doesn't allow the open display of aversion among high ranking officers like the two of you are, so whenever you cross each other's paths in the course of your duties you engage in the exchange of pointy remarks to taunt each other.

That day you prolonged your stay and delved in fake comradery with the commander, just to test him for how long he'd stand it and to test yourself for how long you'd last in the game. You came across a group of sparring recruits when you saw her hanging out a few steps away from her training comrades and looking bored by everything. Her sight almost made you smile, because you would chose the exact same position and the exact same expression if you were in her place.

You halted to look at the scene for a bit when she was called to join in with the other young soldiers. Nile considered it unfair of the boys to challenge such a small girl, he was convinced she stood no chance against any of them. You took one good look at her and you told him you weren't so sure about that. Her movements and her stance as she got ready to fight made it clear to you that she seemed to have her very own combat-style and she was someone to reckon with. Nile didn't believe you and to increase the pleasure of having him proven wrong you suggested a bet.

Just as you had placed your wager, she got into action and took out the loudest of the recruits with a few swift movements, leaving him sprawled out on the floor. No one else was willing to go up against her after that and she walked away.

You admired her unique fighting moves and complimented her on them since she happened to come your way. Because you were in a spending mood you invited her for a drink – after all she had earned you the extra bit of money you'd won from Nile in your bet and you wanted to show her your gratitude for that. She gave you a long stare and then accepted with a shrug, because she could use a change of scenery as she said.

The memory of the bar is a random combination of images and few sentences jumbled up together in your head. You actually don't remember it too well and the longer the night went on the more it got drowned in alcohol. By the time you took her to your quarters you were far too drunk to care that she was just about half your age or that it might've been her first time. You guided her to your bed and she gave herself up to you.

In the morning you awoke with a pounding head beneath messed-up sheets with no sign of her. Like that you didn't have to apologise for your awful behaviour, you thought and were ready to move on. But she returned to you and she wanted you sober and she wanted more of the sweet ecstasy you had given her a taste of.

Agreements were made and rules were established. Words had never been your forte and you welcomed that she wanted your body in silence and pleasure rather than your soul in the form of long-winded stories and endless speeches. She wanted to share the physical and keep her secrets and you were more than willing to comply.

Your lips trail off to her neck and your hands are already working on relieving her of her clothes. You won't be satisfied until every last bit of textile is out of the way. Her bare skin against yours is the only sensation you desire right now. You imagine your fingers, lips and tongue leaving hot traces on her body that have her ache for you the way she leaves you yearning for her with every touch.

She isn't a stunning beauty to be admired. Her breasts could be fuller, her hips more curved, the edges of her face more defined. She's not a full-grown woman yet. It's definitely not the fact that you're the only man she ever had. You're not the possessive kind and she is not something to be possessed – she is her own and her own only. You knew that by the look in her eyes and in fact it's that spirit that began to draw you in.

You let your hand slide between her legs, moving in such a gentle manner you reserve only for these moments. With your sharp eyes you take in every change in her face and posture as she reacts to your touch in that sensitive area. Your fingers stroke her womanhood, giving special attention to the bundle of nerves in her clit. She tries to fight it, but her eyes keep fluttering shut and her lips are parted in a preannouncement of a gasp.

At first it may have been for the mere pleasure of being with someone – with anyone at all. But it never would've thrilled you at all if it hadn't been for those bright blue eyes of hers that became a cold and cruel mirror of your very self. She takes that ugly being of you and reflects it as something remarkably beautiful – because you understand, because she understands and understanding is the most dazzling thing in the world.

Like always you try to make her look at you with those blue orbs – those knowing eyes – when you position yourself at her entrance, so that you can watch everything that passes through them as you push into her. But she screws them shut like most of the time, leaving you with merely her changing features that tell only half as much even in this intimate moment. You only ever get to see the surface. Though you distinguished the functionalities of her being you'll never learn her story and it leaves you unsatisfied. Still it's better than nothing at all.

She is the closest thing to finding yourself in another person and now that you know her you'd never want anyone else. And if spreading her legs is the only way she'll ever let you in then so be it.

You push in deep and the gasp straining her lips steals your concentration for a moment. Only after catching yourself you begin moving again, repeatedly drawing out and thrusting back in to set up the rhythm of your motion. She cranes her neck at the friction, arching her back and bringing up her hips to increase the pace.

Words were never your forte and you don't talk about how you feel, but deep inside you know that she has become something entirely different from what she was supposed to be to you. It was supposed to be simple and you keep telling yourself that it's alright as long as you don't admit to it. But the truth is that it went out of your control and by now you're so tied up to and intertwined with her that she's so very close to owning you.

Your fingers nest in her tousled blond tresses before moving on to take hold of her jaw. With a gentle touch you turn her head and make her look at you. There it is again, the sight of her blue eyes that captivates you. But you dwell only a short moment in it, before you dive down and capture those soft, parted lips of hers. The kiss becomes intenser than you intended it to be, her tongue protruding your mouth and her arms locked around your neck, so you cannot escape. You really wouldn't want to, anyway.

This is how far it has actually come, you realise. Without wanting to, you have fallen for her – fallen to her mercy and no silence can undo that. Keeping quiet is just denying the fact and now that you've understood that you will have to find a way of coming to terms with the truth, because there's no lie to disguise it anymore and there is no way to change it.

Subjected to your thoughts you thrust into her a little harsher than intended and she gasps into your mouth. Your eyes snap open in shock at the lack of control you had over yourself for a moment and meet hers that are wide in surprise. You want to apologise for your roughness, but the words are glued to your tongue, weighing heavily on it and rendering it unable to move. There are just her blue orbs and your quickening pace as you drive yourself and her closer to the edge.

The two of you have done this so often, by now you know how long you have to hold out to get her to her peak. You know the little telltales of her body when it arrives: her gasping for air; her lids weighing heavily, ready to fall shut; her hand rising towards her mouth, ready to muffle the sounds as she sinks her teeth into it instead of just using the bed sheets. You catalogued all these details in your mind and you're looking forward to every single one of them – and because you've registered them you can tell that tonight is unlike the many times before.

Her arms stay wrapped around your neck and she's fighting to keep her eyes open. You hold her gaze, but before you can ask yourself why things are different this time, you are overwhelmed by your senses. Release washes over you and renders you nearly blind, because your body moves more on instinct than on will and you can't tell if the faint glimpses of blue you're catching beneath your almost closed lids are real or just a figment of your imagination. Her body has arched into you and you think you can hear her voice beneath your own deep and long moan you try so hard to restrict from turning into a cry.

Your eyes find hers again, as you decrease the intensity of your thrusts and eventually pull out of her. But you don't draw away this time, you don't roll onto your back. She looks at you with mild curiosity about your change of action, but she still hasn't let go of your neck. You take that as your cue to follow this newly developing procedure and lean in to kiss her. She welcomes you with open mouth and your naked bodies wind together in an embrace.

When you draw away again your head is spinning and your thoughts have lost their quality of making sense. You bury your face in her neck, because it seems like a good thing to do, because you want to, because you really don't know what is happening right now. But it is comforting there and she's still holding you in her arms, so it definitely can't be wrong.

She wants to know what is up with you, because you never acted like this before. You give a short, dry laugh, breath brushing harshly over her collarbone. You want to tell her, but you can't find the words, because it's complicated, because you're still only halfway from denial, because it's really not what she wants to hear. The truth is driving you insane, and no insane man could speak with the clarity you'd need to convey your thoughts, to describe the moment of realisation you've had – that sensation of inescapable knowledge that now renders you useless in her arms. You feel like a mere shell of the man you used to be, because you've given your whole self up to her without even being aware of it.

The truth is something you don't speak and it's something you never ever ask for. You beg her not to question you about it again, because that was the agreement you have come to with each other. But you who are burdened with awareness now are faced with the choice: will you stay captured in her arms, denying yourself to acknowledge your feelings for her though deep inside you know it so very well – or will you walk away, save yourself the pain of dependency and move on somehow? Yet a part of you already knows that you won't be the one to cut the ties. If you get away from her it's because she's letting you go.

...and then she speaks your name, so softly and sweet, and she tells you that she knows. She says that she, too, has changed, because she can never be the same again after you looked into her eyes like that. Yes, she is breaking with the rules the two of you established, because someone has to make the first step.

As it turns out she's a lot braver than you. So you remark and she denies it with a quiet laugh, claiming that actually she is a big coward and she just wanted to survive, but now she doesn't want to live without you. Still, that is all she is willing to share and you don't mind that there are some rules that still apply. You don't want to dig up the past, just like you don't plan for the future.

The truth is something you don't speak and it's something you never ever ask for. But if you're being honest, nothing – not even the strictest silence or the bitterest lie – could've stopped things from getting complicated. Because feelings spark without the mind's consent and both of you got so caught up in them, neither of you would be able to simply cut the ties even if you wanted to. Neither of you is willing to let go and if it's mutual why would you even try.

...and in the dim morning light as you get dressed and ready for setting out she tells you that she expects you to return unharmed from your mission. It's as simple as that.

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End file.
